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But...What If I Fail?

I have a student in one of my classes, who from the beginning of the school year, I felt had SO much untapped potential. The problem was, this student seemed to be afraid to try and really show me what he was capable of. After many conversations with him, I ultimately had to tell him that it was all in his hands. He had a choice: was he going to give it his all, or was he going to be afraid to try?

This Friday, we had our first Word Study test. This boy came into class elated to tell me that he had worked so hard and practiced his words all week. After I gave his group their test, I was almost afraid to look at his, because I wanted him to do well SO badly. I spot checked it right when he handed it in, and as I skimmed it, I thought, "oh my goodness, I think he got them all right!" When I went back to grade it, sure enough he had! I pulled him aside at recess to tell him, and this little boy's face just lit up with pride. I could just see the light go on in his head as he made the connection between overcoming not only your fear of failure, but also past failures and ultimate success.

It was interesting to have this experience with this student this week, because a fear of failure has been at the forefront of my mind lately. I naively thought that after my cross country move, I would be done making big life decisions for a little while. How wrong I was. At this moment in time, some big choices that I have to make are constantly occupying my thoughts, along with a fear of a)making the "wrong" decision and b) failure. Pondering these decisions has taken me back in time to two distinct periods in my life where the question "But...What if I fail?" has nearly consumed me.

The first was when I was just beginning my freshman year at BYU. I worshipped my high school choir teacher, I still do to be honest, and I wanted to be just like her. So, I declared Music Education as my major. But, unfortunately I couldn't just declare Music Education as my major, I had to get into the program. I filled out the application, practiced for my audition for hours, and still I could not stop asking the question, "but... what if I fail? What will I do?" Despite all of the hours of work and practice I put in, I did fail. I was three points, THREE POINTS, short of qualifying for the program. I was crushed. I was devastated. I swore I would never sing another note as long as I lived. But, after I cried a LOT of tears and ate a LOT of ice cream, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and figured out what was next. "Do I apply again in a year?" I asked myself, "Or do I major in something else?"

Ultimately, I did major in something else. As I was finishing up my degree in Elementary Education, it came time to start applying for teaching internships. Naturally, I went into full fledged panic mode. I asked myself all kinds of REALLY productive and helpful questions in addition to my classic "But... what if I fail?" the likes of: What if I am a terrible teacher? What if I really can't do this? What if my students hate me? And the list really could go on for hours. Beginning with my teaching internship, all the way up to my current fourth year of teaching, I have moved either grades or schools every year. This year I did both, plus moving states. And at the beginning of each school year, these same questions circled around and around relentlessly in my mind. And yes, there have certainly been days that I have "failed." Days where I haven't taught a concept as well as I should have or I wasn't as patient as I could have been. There have been more days than I can count where I have felt that I would never measure up.

Over many, many years and lots, and lots of time I have learned that since we are all imperfect, of course we are going to fail ALL THE TIME. One of my very favorite quotes by President Thomas S. Monson reads, "Our task is to become our best selves. One of God's greatest gifts to us is the gift of trying again, for no failure need be final." And you know what? My failures make those moments where a student succeeds, when they understand a concept, or even when they just walk up, give me a hug, and tell me they love me SO much sweeter. So in short, my goal is to stop caring if I fail sometimes. Because failures, getting back up, and trying again make success, clarity, and understanding SO much sweeter!

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