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Not Perfect Yet

             When I was in seventh grade and started middle school, I learned that if you got straight A's during a quarter of the school year, you would get a huge medal and be recognized in an awards ceremony at school.  If you got all A's and B's, you would get a certificate and still be recognized, but in my mind how could that compete with a medal? I made a goal that I was going to get straight A's and earn that medal. It took three quarters, but I accomplished that goal and was so excited. However, each quarter after that if I only got A's and B's, I felt like a failure and was so let down. I'd have these thoughts like, "maybe if I'd just studied harder for that one science test, I would've gotten straight A's." Or, "maybe I should've worked a just a little harder to understand my last math chapter and I would've gotten good enough scores to get an A instead of a B+."
             This pattern of thought continued in every aspect of my life from that seventh grade year on. It started with grades, then my appearance, then my dating and social life, and then years later after I graduated  from college, my abilities as a teacher. No one in my life has been harsher to me than I have been to myself. If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "not be so hard on myself," I'd have enough to travel the globe AND buy a new car.
             I spent years thinking that these thoughts were just a way of pushing myself and wanting to become better. It wasn't until I was sitting in a post conference after getting observed last year with my head in my hands because I could not for the life of me come up with an answer to the question, "What did you do well in that lesson?" that I realized that these thoughts and feelings about myself weren't coming from a positive place at all. In the weeks and months that followed, I began to realize that they were coming from anxiety and what Elder Holland called in his recent Conference talk, "toxic perfectionism."
          I'm still working on how to deal with these thoughts, worries, and fears when they come, especially when they are so intense and overpowering, but I have learned a few things so far. First, it is okay to lean on other people. For a long time, I was too embarrassed to share what I was experiencing and thinking, because I was certain people would think I was just looking for a compliment. But as I've started to open up to my Heavenly Father as well as family and friends, I've felt so much support and strength.
        Second, focus on the positive. Sometimes the negative emotions are so all consuming that this is really hard to do. But focusing on blessings, strengths, serving and blessing others and your positive qualities can make a world of difference and provide light and hope through the darkness.
       Finally, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know and love each of us perfectly. Sometimes they send angels, sometimes they bring me peace, and sometimes they just give me the strength to endure, but they know and love me and each of us perfectly, despite the fact that we are nowhere near perfect yet! What a blessing that is!

Comments

  1. My Dearest Sarah, I feel so blessed to be your grandma and to learn from you and to offer my total and complete love and support. Among your many gifts you can include a true and honest heart. I am so lucky to be in your life and watch you grow and mature and understand. Very proud.

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