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My Struggle with Anxiety

      Earlier this week, a post came up on my Facebook memories where I had written and shared a post on this blog about my weight loss story several years ago. As I sat there re-reading the post and reading all of the comments, I thought to myself, "I really wish I could be that brave and vulnerable again." I've been feeling a nudge to write this post for weeks now, but I kept shoving the thought away, honestly because I was scared to share it. But a conversation I had with a friend the other day gave me the little push I needed and helped me realize that sharing my experience could help others who might be going through the same things.

      I struggle with anxiety. I think to a degree I always have, but a few months ago, it started to get bad enough that I couldn't pretend it didn't exist anymore. I didn't tell a soul for awhile, because I was SO convinced that if I just ignored it and refused to verbally acknowledge it, it would magically disappear. Naive, I know but I totally thought it would work. I've also always struggled with asking for help, so I convinced myself that I could handle it on my own. As I've slowly started to open up about it and acknowledge it as well as my need for help from both family and friends and professionals, I've been overwhelmed to the point of tears with gratitude for how lovingly they all have responded. 

     Anxiety affects every person a little bit differently. Usually I can trace my anxiety back to one of three things: perfectionism and taking on the impossible task of never wanting to mess up, struggles with self-esteem and confidence, and worrying incessantly about what others think of me, and thus becoming reserved and closed off in big groups or around lots of new people. There are times too though when the feelings are just there and won't go away and I can't figure out why. Sometimes those times are the hardest, because I want to understand where it is coming from, but I don't.

     One of the greatest outlets for me has been writing in my journal. Ever since my fourth grade teacher told me I had a talent for writing, I've always loved it and so I write in my journal every night. A couple of weeks ago, I wrote "I just get so discouraged, because on the outside I feel like everyone thinks of me as a positive and happy person, but on the inside so often I feel so anxious and just broken. I'm trying SO hard not to let anxiety call the shots, but sometimes it feels like I'm not getting anywhere. I know with time it will get better, but it's just SO hard sometimes." One of the hardest parts of any challenge in life is acknowledging that you are struggling and realizing that it is okay to not be perfectly fine all the time. I've also found a lot of peace by going for drives and praying out loud and just letting it all out, as well as expressing gratitude for the many, many blessings I do have. Serving others has also been a great outlet for me, as focusing on others eases and distracts from a lot of the feelings and thoughts anxiety causes. 

   Learning how to live with anxiety is still a work in progress in my life, but I have been reminded again and again these past few months that Heavenly Father is so aware of each of us and can give us strength beyond our ability to comprehend. I see glimpses of who I can become with His help every day when I am teaching. He blesses me with the strength to teach my class with a confidence and sense of self-assurance that it so unlike anything I experience or feel outside of school. I've told people before that it almost feels as if I'm a completely different person. Recognizing this strength gives me hope that I can continue to expand that to other areas of my life where I feel so weak if I keep working at it!

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